QT: Don't fall in love with the Male Lead

Chapter 188: Don't be callous

Su Xueyi's face shines briefly with undisguised pleasure at being asked something by Xi Zirui.

Like Bai Mi mentioned, he is recently returned from his own tribulation and eager to show off.

"Well, the point of the tribulation is for a god to experience all the hardships of mortal life," he smiles indulgently, as if he thinks it's cute that Xi Zirui doesn't know this. "It wouldn't be that great of a tribulation if the gods were aware that what they were experiencing wasn't really their own life, and after all that struggle they would return to their previous existence."

Xi Zirui lets out a sigh. He knows all that, he just wants to know if there's a way to go around it.

"Did you drink something to make you forget?" he asks, keeping his tone even.

Su Xueyi nods. "Meng Po's soup, direct from the Underworld."

Xi Zirui considers how he can pretend to drink without actually doing it. It seems like a hard thing to do with how many people will be gathered there to watch him leave.

How can he be sure of where he ends up otherwise? He'll need to remember his goal of finding Han Yu, no matter where he ends up.

Of course, first he needs to ensure he ends up in the same timeline as Han Yu's first lifetime to begin with -- which he still has no idea how to go about.

---

Su Xueyi notices Xi Zirui's distraction. His smile dims.

He always feels as if Xi Zirui is li away whenever they're together. He feels like no matter how hard he tries, he isn't interesting enough to hold his attention.

He remembers vividly being a small child, just a young god of no more than 100 years, barely reaching his father's knee, when his mother told him his future husband had been born.

That very same day his parents took him to see Xi Zirui, and congratulate his mother. Xi Zirui looked so small to him, peacefully asleep in the crib next to Lei Zu's bed.

Su Xueyi had stood on his tiptoes and peered inside, his eyes fixed on the sleeping baby.

Back then, he had no idea what marriage entailed, and what it meant that this tiny baby would one day be his husband -- but he knew it was something important. Written down just for him and Xi Zirui in the Book of Fates.

A great honor.

The years passed and Su Xueyi did his best to grow close to Xi Zirui. He wanted them to be together all the time, to become close friends so their future union would be harmonious like Su Xueyi's parents' marriage.

Xi Zirui never seemed much interested in that, as if he didn't understand the importance of the path that had been laid out for them.

Privately, Su Xueyi thought this was because the Book of Fates determined that his mother was to have children all by herself, with no husband or wife at her side. Naturally, Xi Zirui grew up without understanding the importance of a strong friendship in developing a lasting bond between a married couple.

Su Xueyi was willing to be patience with him, but over the years he felt that the more he tried the more Xi Zirui resisted him.

The only moments he could get Xi Zirui to stand still long enough were when he found him in the library. There, Xi Zirui allowed him to stay by his side, and Su Xueyi could silently watch him as he read, imagining a future filled with happiness and joy.

As the centuries turned into millennia, Xi Zirui only grew more distant -- not only with Su Xueyi but with all the young gods of their generation, with the exception of his sister.

It was as if the entire heavenly realm wasn't big enough for Xi Zirui.

Even though he is the oldest, Su Xueyi feels like he's always trying to catch up to Xi Zirui, trying to breach a distance that grows wider each passing year.

Su Xueyi's own tribulation seemed to reflect his inner turmoil. He spent an entire lifetime on the human realm, as the second prince in the Imperial household. Denied the throne by birth, and the person he loved by his brother's capriciousness.

Once he returned and recovered his memories, the similarities between his human lifetime and his current predicament weren't lost on him.

Somehow, even though no one is trying to steal Xi Zirui from him, Su Xueyi still feels as if he's playing second fiddle.

At that moment, a gust of wind rushes through the plum trees, whipping up a flurry of small pink petals, raining them down on the two of them.

Su Xueyi's heart swells with the romance of the moment, Xi Zirui carelessly clears the petals away from his head and the book folded up under his waist sash -- drawing Su Xueyi's attention to it for the first ime.

With nimble fingers Su Xueyi frees the book from Xi Zirui's sash, and jumps away from him with a smile.

"Have you been to the library while I was away on my tribulation?" he asks Xi Zirui, holding up the book above his head. "Did you think about me?"

His teasing isn't met with a bashful smile and lowered eyelashes, like Su Xueyi keeps dreaming of. Instead, Xi Zirui scowls at him and makes a move to get the book back.

Su Xueyi barely has the time to snatch away his arm before Xi Zirui's fingers make contact with the yellowed pages.

As always, he feels jealous of anything that holds Xi Zirui's attention. Something he has never mastered.

Realizing the childishness of his actions but unable to stop himself, Su Xueyi plays keep away with an increasingly more annoyed Xi Zirui. He teases him with the book, almost letting Xi Zirui catch it before pulling it away.

Finally, he turns his back to Xi Zirui and flips through the book. "Have you been making fun of the humans again?"

Su Xueyi's eyes catch on a name, 'Han Yu' -- likely the human the book is about. Xi Zirui makes one last bid to grab the book from Su Xueyi's hands, before saying:

"Give that back, or we're going to have a problem."

The smile slips off Su Xueyi's lips, his dimples smoothing out into his cheeks.

He has managed to upset Xi Zirui yet again. It's an unfortunately common occurrence, but this time Xi Zirui isn't merely annoyed, he's looking at Su Xueyi as if he hates him.

Numb, Su Xueyi hands him back the book without another word, still trying to make sense of the naked hatred in Xi Zirui's face.

What could he possibly have done to warrant so much disdain?

Xi Zirui takes the book and makes his way out of the plum orchard.

"Who is Han Yu?" he asks after Xi Zirui's retreating back.

He doesn't get an answer, but he knows he won't forget that name for some time to come.

---

Xi Zirui is disconcerted after his meeting with Su Xueyi. 

It's extremely straining for him to try to reconcile the two versions of Su Xueyi that exist in his mind. The person he has known his whole life, and who he has been engaged to for about as long, with the possessive asshole who has stood in his way across eight different realms.

Realistically, Xi Zirui knows he was needlessly cruel to Su Xueyi and dismissive of his genuine attempts to establish a relationship in the past, but at the same time, he's not capable of feeling as much guilt as he should.

Which only makes him more frustrated.

He feels as if he's no longer the person he used to be, and while he never quite fit in the heavenly realm, now he doesn't for a completely different reason.

He ends up in a wing of the palace that he doesn't immediately recognize.

"I've been meaning to talk with you," a familiar voice says from behind him.

His grandmother is standing behind him with her hands clasped in front of her stomach, smiling serenely.

"How can I help, grandmother?"

Something glints in her eyes, warm and knowing all at once. "No child, it's me who wants to help you."

Xi Zirui looks into her eyes, not daring to let hope unfurl in his chest.

"What is grandma trying to say?" he asks, trying to keep his voice steady.

She nods towards the book he's almost crushing in his right hand. "What is that?"

Xi Zirui's first instinct is to hide it, but he realizes how childish that is.

His grandmother doesn't comment on his lack of answer, and merely bids him to follow her.

They walk into a nearby room, and she closes the door behind Xi Zirui with a soft thud. "I know you're confused, but there's no need to worry."

Some of the tension drains out of him. Of course, his grandma only means to reassure him regarding the upcoming tribulation.

"Thank you grandmother, I know what to expect."

She smiles and pats him on the shoulder. "Yes, you do, because this isn't the first time you're doing it."