Losing My Religion

Part 2, Chapter 4

Amber

I followed Katie home that evening, thankful our mother wasn’t around to ask why I was there. 

After what I’d learned, it felt like my mother had been proven right about everything she’d ever taught me and my hopes – my naive belief that Lily was some kind of exception – were wrong.

And what a way to learn that lesson. The one thing I was most confident about when it came to Lily’s character, was that she would respect my boundaries. No matter what, whether we disagreed on something or got irritated at each other, I could be confident she wouldn’t overstep.

Except that was wrong… My mother always told me that when she was working, demons would plead for their lives, they would say anything and everything, and right when you believed them, believed that they were just a poor victim, that was when they would stab you in the back. She told me that when I was old enough, experienced enough to fill her shoes, I would have to trust my training, even when it seemed wrong…

And she was proven right, as bitter of a pill to swallow as that is. 

I woke up to a knock on my door, and once I got out of bed and let Katie in, I was shaking the last of the lingering sleep from my mind.

Katie sat at my desk chair, a dire expression on her face and her posture tense. “Amber, I’m going to only have this conversation with you once, because that was the most horrifying thing I’ve ever seen and if I have to remember it one more time, I’m running away from home.”

I nodded and sat at the edge of my bed, facing her. It felt horrifying, being betrayed like that.

Her sad frown turned into a glare. “I really don’t think you get it, but I’m going to try my hardest to make you…” She let out a sigh, relaxing her expression and bringing a dark tinge to her cheeks as her thoughts focused, “I don’t know Lily that well, and I don’t really know what your relationship is like, but unless she’s your arch nemesis – and even then it might not be okay – what you did yesterday was absolutely horrible.”

Really? After only one meeting the demons are already conspiring together?

I remained silent, keeping my skepticism to myself. 

“I mean,” Katie’s blush darkened, “If what she’s saying is true, the intimacy she feels from being around you, from living together, is enough to sustain her, then that’s…” She hid her face in both of her hands.

“It’s bullshit is what it is.” I glared, not caring she couldn’t see it given her eyes were still covered. “Magic has to come from somewhere, and now I know why my experiments haven’t been working.”

Her eyes peeked out at me, brimming with tears. “Oh my god, you’re so…”

She let out a wordless yell, dispelling her melancholy and bringing back her fury. “Please, Amber, even if it’s just for me, give her another chance – keep an open mind. Not everything our mother says has to be exactly correct, maybe there’s room in her theories for demonic magic to work differently.”

I shook my head, “There’s no room. And besides, Lily claimed she could read my magic circle and that it was written in Demonic, so she’s bullshitting me either way.”

Katie froze and her mouth hung open. “Magic runes are… Demonic?”

Is she even listening? “No, it’s not, because that would be ridiculous.”

“But it’s testable.”

My mouth twisted, contemplating. “Maybe, but I couldn’t test with you, assuming you could read ‘Demonic’ in the first place,” I rolled my eyes, “because you already know how runes are supposed to work.”

“Please just give her a chance, just test this one thing and see if she was telling the truth,” She leaned forwards, pleading.

“I’ll consider it… Now get out, I have studying to do.”

The heavy atmosphere lingered after she’d slammed the door and left, and after I’d sat at my desk to study.

For as angry as I was, there were other feelings swirling around the edges of my fury.

I was worried about Katie, worried that my fight with Lily would somehow put her demonic nature at risk of being discovered. I was hurt and embarrassed, ashamed to have been so naive to have been taken advantage of, even after all of my studying.

And, just as much as I was angry, I was confused. I’d really thought I could trust Lily – it still felt like I could trust Lily. But… that trust was misplaced? It left a sour feeling in my stomach, fueling all of my other negative emotions.

My forehead lowered to my desk, covering the notes I was supposed to be studying in water and salt.

Lily

The front porch to my father’s house was not comforting in its familiarity.

His house was a blindingly white three-story suburban thing, complete with a crucifix hanging on the door and a political sign out on the lawn. 

Home sweet home…

It took a few moments for him to answer the door, but when he did, staring down at my feminine form wearing my best dress, I didn’t feel the rush of energy I’d come to expect when Amber looked at me. 

That’s fine, maybe I just need to mend our relationship first.

“Can I come in and talk?”

He nodded stoically, ‘unflinching in the face of evil,’ as he would put it.

He led me to the dining room table, a circular sheet of clear glass suspended by thin metal arms. It had always been far too big for just the two of us, but it wouldn’t fit more than four people comfortably. 

“I–” I inhaled sharply, trying not to remember why I was here, “I want to try again, fix my mistakes…”

His lips pursed and he sat up, crossing his arms. “And yet you show up here looking like that?” His eyebrow raised, doubting my sincerity.

“Well… maybe I could be a nun instead of a priest?”

“Son–”

I winced.

“Child… the only reason you feel the way you do is because of your mother…” At my sigh, he changed directions. “But I’m not entirely unsympathetic to your plight. I want to work with you, to fix things.” His voice was calm and slow, methodically poking all of the right buttons.

I remained silent, trying to find the right thing to say.

“How about this: you can stay like that for now, and we’ll go to see your mother on Sunday afternoon, before mass.”

Shock and excitement shot through me. After all of this time, my whole life wondering what she’s like, I finally get to see her?!

I nodded enthusiastically.

Of course, I was either too naive, too hurt, or too stupid to consider why we would go right before mass or why she would be anywhere near the church. The prospect of my father accepting me as a woman, of getting to finally meet my mother, was blindingly enticing.

—

There were a lot of things on the church property. 

Of course there was the main hall itself, a grand, old building that always seemed like it should be dustier than it was. Then, there were the sprawling gardens surrounding the building. The property had far more land than it needed, and much of that was taken up by sprawling paths to nowhere and random sheds hidden by trees. 

Then, lastly, and where my father took me to, was the graveyard.

Even then, with the evidence of what I was about to see staring at me in the face, demanding to be acknowledged, I still refused to accept it, clinging to my hope. Maybe I could say it was my waning energy, the result of my father’s affection never paying off, never materializing. Maybe I could say that wanting to meet my mother was a childish dream, both a literal hope my younger self had, as well as something that was ignorant to the cruelties of reality the way a child was. 

But neither of those explained how, when he took me to a gravestone I’d never seen, where there was a list of names, only one date, and no epitaph, I still refused to believe it, clung to hope with conviction, convinced that this couldn’t be the payoff of all of my wanting. 

My father kneeled and pointed to the last name in the alphabetized list: Zamira. There was no last name. “There’s your mother.” He remained as impassive as ever, unflinching in the face of evil.

I just stared emptily at it, at the unadorned gravestone with a dozen names, the date just over a year after my birth. 

He stood and strode off, to give me time to myself or to get prepared for his sermon, I didn’t know. I sat down on the moist grass, staining the same white dress I’d worn when I’d come out to my father. I felt the urge to dig, to uncover the secrets hidden by the grave.

But there were no secrets. The implications were obvious, and…

I just sat there, watching the world slowly spin, staring at the names, the people. 

Did Mom know them? Are any of her friends among the names, her lovers? 

Numbness filled my chest, radiated through my body like the winter chill from the ground. 

But I remained still, waiting until my dad came to pick me up after mass.

Amber

On Monday I finally returned to school. Chris had texted me over the weekend, expressing concern about Lily, since he apparently hadn’t heard from her in a few days, but I tried not to think about it, simply responding that I didn’t know where she was. 

It meant I could return to my dorm, however, after checking every corner and closet with one hand on my crystal. Before each place I checked, I wondered if I would be more relieved or scared to see Lily. I didn’t want to admit the truth.

I sat inside my dorm room after my classes, feeling anxious about the fact that at any minute Lily could return, but trying to focus nonetheless. 

That focus was quickly broken by a pounding on the door. I had an inkling of who it was, so I wasn’t surprised when I opened it to see Chris standing outside, a distressed frown on his face.

I rolled my eyes and let him in, not wanting to bother with arguing out in the hall. “I already told you I don’t know where she is.”

He growled. “Maybe that’s true, but you have a better idea of what happened. And I can get her scent here, try and track her.”

“Whatever, just let yourself out when you're done sniffing her dirty clothes…” I started walking to my room, but was stopped by Chris grabbing my shoulder. I spun around and raised an eyebrow, frowning.

“What happened between you two?” The genuine concern on his face gave me a bit of pause when it came to shattering his little puppy heart. But not enough.

“Apparently she had been feeding off of me this whole time without me knowing. I found out, and…”

His head tilted and his brow furrowed. “How could she even….? I thought you guys were…”

I shrugged, getting his hand off of my shoulder in the process. “Well I thought she was fucking you, so it turns out she played us both.” I tried to walk away again, but was stopped by his voice.

“Wait. How did she do it? Was she like sneaking into your bed at night or…” His frown twisted into a grimace.

I was taken aback. “What? No, it wasn’t like that, succubi don’t need physical contact to consume, it just helps.”

His mouth formed an ‘o’, “Oh, yea,” his expression grew puzzled. “So what’s the problem then?”

“She was draining me!” My arms splayed out, waving to punctuate my incredulity. 

“She told me that wasn’t how it works.”

I laughed, “You stupidly loyal dog, of course she told you that!”

He rolled his eyes. “Nice one, never heard that before. She also told me there was this thing she got from the school, why don’t we just go find it and check?”

I huffed a sigh, resisting the urge to say, ‘because I have better things to do,’ and instead going into Lily’s room and searching her desk.

It didn’t take us long to find it, but as soon as we did, there was an obvious issue. We each pointed it out at the same time.

“It was written by demons…”

“It’s written in Demonic…”

We blinked, staring at each other. 

He scowled, “I don’t care who wrote it, I just wish we could read it.”

I glared back, “Well, I wouldn’t trust demon propaganda even if I could read it.”

His eyebrows climbed up his face. “And who wrote the book on demons that you do trust?”

“Scarlet Victory, the famous demon hunter.”

He stared at me with raised eyebrows for a moment before rolling his eyes. “And if I went to get a copy of the pamphlet from the school in English?”

“I wouldn’t care. I’m going to go back to studying, don’t bother me anymore.”

As I finally walked away for good, I heard Chris mutter under his breath, “If only there was something testable, to verify she was telling the truth…”

—

Testable.

Even as I went to my study materials, the word was stuck in my head.

I had something testable, and even though I was unfathomably pissed at Lily, Chris was still my friend – or at least my supplier of magic dog drool. Also, my naive little sister had asked me to do a test as well. 

So I should test the modification Lily had suggested to my circle. It would cost me most of the precious materials I had left, but it would also assuage my guilt, and if Chris asked, I would be able to honestly say I’d done everything I could.

I shoved my notes aside, carefully setting up the same spell I’d had last week with a couple of careful modifications. I’d already tested the same circle after Lily had left, in my own home, but either the magic she had stolen hadn’t come back yet, or…

After carefully penning a new circle, a process that took the better part of an hour, I was finally ready. I’d been hearing the sounds of Chris’ search dying down in the past few minutes, but I didn’t bother telling him to stay and wait for the results of my test.

The circle lit up under my steady power, and I waited for the magic to fizzle and burn.

I waited.

And waited…

“...”

“Shit.”