Losing My Religion

Part 2, Chapter 5

Amber

By the time I’d pulled myself out of my stupor and stopped staring at the now enchanted rock, Chris was already gone, making it even more embarrassing when I called his phone and told him to come back.

Then I had to actually explain why I called him back, which was also embarrassing, not to mention the slow realization that I might’ve ruined my relationship with my best friend because of a stupid prejudice – something I'd gotten on her case about before.

All in all, it was the most mortifying afternoon of my life, but it was also a relief. It had been hard, holding myself back from getting closer to Lily because of her demon-ness, and if it turned out that was safe to do, something I wasn’t completely convinced of yet, it would be amazing. 

I did still have my doubts, but the fact that the magic circle I’d been using was something she could intuitively understand, that was enough to give me bigger doubts about my mother and her teachings than my doubts about Lily.

Of course, as relieved about Lily I felt, I was just as apprehensive about my mother and Katie. The feelings swirled and mixed in my stomach, demanding to be sorted through, but there was no time.

“So… What now?” I asked Chris.

He crossed his arms, staring at me, standing near the door to mine and Lily’s dorm. “Well I never got a good lock on her scent, and she left her phone behind, so I was going to check her church – she told me where it was once.”

I grimaced. “You really think she would go back to her dad…?”

His eyes narrowed, but he didn’t have to say it. I already felt the tight chokehold of my guilt, fueled by the knowledge that I’d stabbed her where she was most vulnerable.

I clenched my hands in my pockets, one holding my trusty crystal, and the other my bundle of spellcasting materials. “Alright, let’s stage a rescue.”

Lily

I spent most of my time sleeping, given that I had nothing better to do and no energy to do it with, so I was surprised when my dad ushered Sophia into my room. She’d apparently come to visit, after hearing through the church gossip network that I was back with my dad.

Although my father pointedly left my bedroom door open, he apparently trusted the girl that had been going to our church for forever enough to leave us alone.

I groggily craned my head up, trying to wipe the fatigue out of my eyes. I grumbled at her in place of a greeting, managing to inflect a questioning tone.

“Hey there,” she said, waving at me and sitting on the edge of my bed.

I moved my hand towards her, leaving it out on the top of the sheets with an implicit request.

She rested her hand on mine, providing the soothing intimacy I desperately needed. 

“Sophia, why are you here?” I croaked.

“I’m worried about you.” Her free hand stroked the back of mine. “I think we both know that this is not where you’re supposed to be. Your dad is not an open-minded man.”

Bitterness swirled in me at her accusation, something I’d already been thinking but had remained petulantly oblivious to. “Then why do you bother going to church?”

She sighed. “There are a lot of reasons I go to church. I feel at ease there, a sense of belonging, at least with the pastors other than your father, and with most of the community members. I still have faith, because no matter how much I study different things, or how much I learn about science, there still is room for a god.”

She paused, staring away, into nothingness. “And, church is the last thing I have of some of my family members, the last thing I can cling to to feel like they’re still here.”

“I’m sorry for phrasing my question like that, I’m…”

She smiled sadly. “Lily, I understand you’re not doing well right now, but thank you for the apology.”

We sat in silence for a moment, her hand still stroking mine.

“Lily… Why are you here?”

“I…” I stopped, thinking. Why am I here? “I originally came here because I wanted to try again with my father…”

I shook my head, “Maybe I just wanted to hurt myself, I deserve it… As for why I’m here now? It’s just so easy to get lulled into the routine of purposeless existence…” 

My eyes narrowed staring into her, “Why should I put in the effort to live, to love, if it’s never going to pay off, if all I get for my hard work is the people I love despising my very existence and the knowledge that my mom…” I sighed and slumped back down, not wanting to finish.

Sophia glanced at the open door, and then climbed on to the bed fully, laying next to me on top of the sheets and pressing her cheek into mine. “Lily, all of your efforts aren’t without payoff. Think of all of the growth you’ve accomplished, the things you’ve learned about yourself and the world, that you never could have before.”

A satisfied breath escaped me at the contact, making it difficult to focus on her words.

Her hand came down to caress my side. “If your father doesn’t love you, that’s his fault,” her eyes met mine, “And if there’s someone else that doesn’t love you back… that’s their loss.”

I remained silent, soaking in her words and feeling our breaths expand and contract our chests, pushing against each other in a rhythmic ebb and flow. 

Sophia continued, “I–” she took a deep breath, puffing out a warm minty breeze across my nose, “I care about you a lot Lily, and even if I only get to see you when you’re at your saddest,” she shot me a look, “I’ll still care about you, even if it can be a bit painful.”

I groaned, overwhelmed by the feelings she was giving me, as well as the existing feeling of hopelessness. “What am I supposed to do? How can I continue from this point, with nowhere to go?” 

Even with the energy slowly building in my mind, it was difficult to visualize a way out of this situation. I couldn’t imagine leaving my dad, even though I had once before, and I couldn’t imagine trying to make up with Amber, who had hurt me more than I could’ve imagined.

She hummed, rubbing her cheek into mine, seemingly enjoying it as much as I was, even though she didn’t feel the same rush of energy I did. “If you need a place to stay, my doors are always open.”

I glanced at her with mock-suspicion, “Are you sure you’re not just trying to get me into your bed?”

Sophia giggled. “Would it be such a bad thing if I wanted you there?” She shook her head, “I have a couch too – that’s what I meant. But yes, if you must know, I would very much like to have sex with you again sometime, you’re very pretty and I like you a lot.”

I blushed, my stomach fluttering at her sweet words.

She sent me a sly smile, “Oh, are you weak to praise? Or was it the other thing I said…?”

Oh no, since when did she make me feel like this?

I pulled my body away from her, sitting up, but still holding her hand. “How about I show you around?”

She glanced around. “Fine, escape your torture… There’s hardly anything here anyways.”

And that was true. My room was a small white box, a mostly empty dresser and an entirely empty closet being the only places things could be, but other than a few clothes, all there was was a framed photo sitting on the dresser. 

She honed in on it, dragging me over and grabbing it with her free hand.

It was a group photo of our bible study group, meaning both Sophia and I were in the picture. It also meant that I could barely see myself, something I’d appreciated about this photo for some reason…

She stared at it with narrowed eyes. “Where are you? Are you even in this picture?”

I pointed to the edge of the frame, “That’s me in the corner.”

Her eyes went wide, “That doesn’t even look like you!” 

We both startled, stepping away from each other and letting our hands drop, when my dad barged in the room behind us. 

His face was impassive. “There's some people at the door I’d like you to meet.” He strode away, apparently not taking no for an answer.

I glanced at Sophia. “This can’t be good, right?”

She shrugged, not knowing any more than me.

Amber

After asking around at Lily’s church – thankfully catching some people at the end of Monday evening mass – we were able to inquire where the priest Mr. Taylor lived, without expending any of my more valuable spells.

All that was left was to walk there and, assuming she was even there, convince Lily to come back to school. How hard could it be?

As I walked side by side with Chris, not quite speed walking, but not taking our time either, the chilled late-winter air prodded at us from all sides.

Chris spoke, evidently not content to wait until after everything had been fixed. “So, you and Lily, huh?” 

My lips pursed. “There’s noth–” I cut myself off. “It’s complicated,” I turned to him, “I thought you…”

“We’re… friends.”

I snorted.

He flashed a wide smile, laughing. “I’m serious! I tried to take her out on a date, and it was nice, but…”

“But she’s dense, and didn’t understand what was going on?” I knew exactly what he meant, given that when we’d started dating over the summer, I was the one to ask her out after we’d repeatedly run into each other at the grocery store, somehow breaking into smalltalk each time. And when I had asked her out, I’d needed to be very forward about it; she’d been confused about my vague-but-blunt ‘let’s get a coffee sometime’. 

His smile continued, staring down at his feet moving across the sidewalk, getting closer and closer to our destination. “Hmm, I don’t think you’ve got it right. Of course, you are right about her being dense, but that wasn’t the issue. It was just… I didn’t really want more? Like, she’s attractive and all but…”

“Huh.” I thought through what I knew about Chris, his limited experience and his sexuality, “Are you romantically attracted to women at all?”

He shook his head. “I don’t really know. Attraction feels different with a dude than with a lady, but that’s just because I have a strong preference, right?”

I silently nodded along to his words, not having an answer for his dilemma, also thinking about my own relationship with her. It would inevitably change – already had changed – and I couldn’t help but wish that we could go back to being friends like a couple weeks ago, or go back to uncomplicatedly dating like we had been months ago.

Of course, that wasn’t possible, and it was my fault. I owed her a thousand apologies and as much making up as she would allow me, assuming she didn’t shun me entirely.

I feel so stupid. Why didn’t I just listen to her, listen to my own feelings?

Chris was possibly interested in her, and she may or may not return the feelings – I’d certainly gotten the impression that she was fond of him, but in what way, I wasn’t sure. 

And even though I wanted more, I would be okay with being her friend, if she let me. Besides, even if she did forgive me and wanted to date me – both ridiculous propositions on their own – there was still the issue of my mother to contend with. No, I would apologize, we could hopefully go back to being friends, and I would have to avoid thinking about what could’ve been.

I sighed and kicked a pebble across the sidewalk in time with my strides, watching as it skipped across the street. 

Chris stopped and turned to face the house we’d just arrived at, one that looked exactly like all of the others. 

I stared up at the towering whiteness. “He’s probably not going to tell us if Lily is there, right?”

Chris nodded. 

“Should I cast an illusion, make us look like someone else?”

Another nod, and he was already walking down the path to the door.

I guess we’re not planning this out?

As he knocked on the door, I set about casting an illusion spell, one hand on my crystal and the other holding my bundle of materials. It was a clever thing, designed by my mother to do as much with our little magic power as possible, letting the target fill in what they expected, while skewing it towards what the caster desired. That didn’t mean it wasn’t expensive or difficult however; illusion was the most costly spell out of the ones I regularly carried the materials for.

Make us look like someone Mr. Taylor would want to talk to Lily.

Mr. Taylor opened the door, and upon seeing us, pursed his lips into a tight smile. “You’re from the squad, right? Here for my son?”

This is why we’re supposed to plan….

I took over, making it up as I went along. “Yes, Mr. Taylor, we’re glad to be here. Is it alright if we meet your child so we can get this started?”

He nodded. “Better to get this over with.” He stared into me, face cold. “Believe me, I get no pleasure out of doing this.” He strode off to get Lily and I celebrated his absence.

“What an unpleasant man…” I whispered. 

Chris nodded. “Step one down.”