Losing My Religion

Chapter 10

There was only so long I could avoid Amber for – not that I remembered why I was doing it anymore. It had something to do with how I’d felt after we had sex, like I’d let her in on my feelings in a way that was scary and overwhelming, but it was hard to put a label on it all. 

Not to mention the way she’d rejected me unprompted afterwards, when I’d been at my most vulnerable.

Or how I’d built up years worth of teasing material for myself, going from proudly telling her I’d wait until marriage to having casual sex with friends in a handful of days.

Not that I have a choice, I need it to survive! 

I pointedly ignored my unnecessary expenditures of magic that made my feeding come more often, as well as the knowledge that I could sustain myself off of cuddling and friendships if I was frugal.

Anyways, Amber caught me during my late-afternoon lunch again on Wednesday, much like she had the previous Tuesday. This time I was indoors, sitting at the counter in a ramen shop on campus, slurping chicken noodle soup – or miso ramen if you wanted to be technical about it. Although I didn’t need regular food, it still helped, and it was tasty, so I’d been eating at least two meals most days.

I hadn’t even considered Amber would find me here, on a rainy day where there weren’t many people out, in a place I didn’t frequent, but she had her ways. 

“Lily.” She stood next to my chair with crossed arms, glaring at me.

That was another new thing – I’d started attending classes as Lily. Ms. Morgan had included the name and gender marker change forms in her email, and after filling them out, I was now Lily Taylor, the officially registered demon – at least on campus. 

I still hadn’t picked a new major, something I would need to do before the end of the semester, but I was making progress. Weirdly enough, I’d gotten a few surprised – but polite – comments about my gender change from classmates I knew in passing, but it was about the fact that I was a woman, rather than the sudden speed of the process. 

I glanced at Amber and slurped my broth before finally responding. “Hey Amber.”

She sat down when the seat next to me freed up, and leaned on the counter, still glaring. “You’ve been avoiding me.”

“I’m sor–” 

She cut me off by grabbing the collar of my new women’s t-shirt, leaning in and snarling into my face. “Tell me, Lily, did you mean any of the things you said about us having sex being meaningful?” Her head tilted sharply in time to her question, “Or was it all bullshit, vapid nonsense to fill your ego until you had an excuse to do it without any of the consequences? Just fuck me and then never talk to me again?”

“...” I winced. “I’m sorry?”

She sat back and schooled her expression, crossing her arms. “Let’s hear it.”

I stared into my remaining broth, not really feeling hungry anymore. “So, first off, I’m sorry for how I blamed you when I transformed, that wasn’t okay.”

She nodded, “And I’m sorry for being impatient about it, I should’ve tried to help you more. But you were being an asshole so…”

“Yeah, I was… Um, I’m also sorry about running away from you.” I ran a hand through my hair, wishing I could fidget with my tail. “I just kind of assumed you hated me and you’d written me off.”

Amber sighed. “Lily, I certainly don’t love you.” 

I turned away, feeling inexplicable tears forming in my eyes. Stupid hormones.

She waited to continue until I’d composed myself and returned to staring sadly into her deep hazel eyes. “But I don’t hate you either. I don’t really know how I feel about you anymore, but I would like a chance to find out – to get to know Lily, if you’d let me.”

I threw myself into her arms, awkwardly hugging her from below her tall stool. “Okay,” I whispered.

—

Amber ended up following me to my dorm afterwards, apparently not trusting that she’d ever see me again if she left. I’d half expected to have sex once we got there – despite the fact that she'd said we wouldn't do it again – but we just chatted instead.

She asked me why I was still in the men’s dorm, and I explained that because of bureaucratic nonsense, and because I’d done some of my registration in the middle of the semester, it wouldn’t be until next semester that I would be properly reassigned to a new dorm. I’d been offered the option of moving out to one of the emergency housing options the school offered, but, for as much as Evan annoyed me, he’d never made me feel unsafe.

I also listened to her tell me about how her classes were going. I didn’t understand any of the specifics, given that she was a biochemistry major, but it was nice to hear that she was enjoying herself and still found her classes to be engaging, even in her third year. 

Regardless of how much she enjoys it, that’s probably not the major for me…

Eventually, the conversation started winding down, and it was getting to the time where humans needed to go to bed. Sitting on my desk chair while she sat on the edge of my bed, I felt a surprising sadness that she’d be leaving. I couldn’t pin down why I wanted her to stay – it wasn’t that I was hungry – but the prospect of being alone with my worries was daunting. 

She stood, apparently ready to leave. “Well, Lily, I had a nice time today,” She gave me a look, half-teasing and half-annoyed, “Don’t run away from me again.”

I nodded slowly, wondering if I should ask her to stay. 

That would be too selfish, given how I’ve treated her.

We shuffled side-by-side through my living room, both taking tiny steps, moving as slowly as possible. She turned to me when we finally reached the door, waited for a moment, and then pulled me into her arms. 

“Lily, we can’t have sex again.” She whispered into my ear, her tone sad and resigned.

I understood the feeling, like everything about our romantic relationship had collapsed and doing anything to poke at it would be dangerous or hurtful. I nodded.

A too-short hug later and she let me go, waving goodbye as she walked out the door.

I felt suddenly alone, as if the buildup of us meandering to the door and her lingering at it wasn’t enough to prepare me to face my own thoughts.

C’mon don’t I have everything figured out already? 

Of course, I wasn’t even close to done; there were still many questions left to answer. 

Was Mom a succubus? Does that mean my dad already knows about my demon-ness? Will he be fine with it when I come out, then?

I laid down on my bed, staring at the ceiling in the dark, unable to get the questions out of my head. I already had the truth mapped out, intuited from all of the details I’d picked up, but of course I didn’t want to admit that; it felt good to have room to hope.