Losing My Religion

Chapter 11

The rest of my week was strangely relaxing, at least when I ignored the thoughts swirling in the back of my head.

I’d strangely felt full after my long talk with Amber on Wednesday, despite the fact that the most we’d done physically was hug a couple of times, meaning I wouldn’t need to feed again until next week.

Or, if I kept hanging out with Amber, even later. We met up a couple of times before Sunday, hanging out as friends, talking about our classes and social lives, and each time she left, I felt a bit fuller of energy, but starkly alone in her absence. It was a strange feeling, not something I’d felt with her when we were dating.

Eventually, I had to face reality. That time came Sunday morning, when I was deciding how to handle going to church.

I mean, I can just show up as Lily, it's not like new people are that uncommon. If someone asks if I know Adam, I can just say I’m his cousin or something.

Besides, demons can attend church, it’s not that weird, right?

The real issue was my father. If my theory was correct, he would understand where my shapeshifting came from, and I was struggling to hold out hope that he would take the news well.

Well, there’s only one way to do this…

I put on a white dress with a high neckline and a long, ruffled skirt, taking care to select a bra that wouldn’t show through the fabric. The fact that Chris had helped me pick out clothes ended up being a real boon here, given that alone I’d probably have chosen all black bras and been completely screwed when it came to white tops. 

The train ride over was uneventful, the tension slowly building in my gut. I wished I had my tail to mess with for the millionth time.

How do humans deal with not having a tail?

Once I entered the large halls of the church, avoiding the holy water by the doors just in case, it took a while for anyone to notice me. Sophia was the first to react, staring at my face with a puzzled frown before her eyes widened and she gave me a wave. 

I saw my father, talking with one of the older regulars, Mr. Johnson, but when his eyes scanned the room, he passed over me without thought.

Ouch. 

It seemed silly to be upset about it, given he didn’t know it was me, and especially given what I was expecting later, but I couldn't help but feel it.

I passed the stained glass windows, which were abstract patterns of colors rather than a full mural, but they were pretty anyway, bathing me in a kaleidoscope of different shades.

The hard pew stabbed into me as I sat next to Sophia, trying my hardest to relax. She rested a hand on my thigh, a friendly touch on top of my skirt, and I grabbed her hand, squeezing it in mine. In truth, we didn’t know each other that well, despite how long we had been going to our bible study group together, but her touch was soothing nonetheless, a reminder that someone was on my side.

I sat, impatient and squirming, through a sermon I couldn’t focus on, resisting the urge to turn and look at my dad.

When the pastor finished and it was time to go to my study group, I instead followed my father outside, directed by a subtle gesture from him. 

He knows.

We stood, a few feet apart, in a small path off of the main building, surrounded on all sides by foliage that was slowly curling in on itself, preparing for winter.

“I’m taking you out of school,” he stared down at me, frowning more than he was smiling, but still calm – not angry. 

I took that as a sign that there was room to convince him. “Dad–”

He cut me off, “I should’ve known you would turn out just like her, you always looked more like her.” He shook his head, disappointed. “After everything I did for you? Making sure you had a strong moral foundation, you still failed?”

“Da–” 

“Your mother… She wasn’t a good person.” His eyes glazed over, looking through me, into the past. “She was a sinner and a whore, that much should be obvious, but beyond that…”

He paused to catch his breath, a deep inhale and exhale during which I could’ve interrupted. But I needed to hear the next part.

“She saw people as food, kid – we were like prey to her…” His eyes refocused and he stared into my eyes, the yellowish brown iris he saw surely reminding me of my mother. “I didn’t want you to be like her…”

My wide eyes threatened to spill tears as my feelings teetered between fury and despondence.

He doesn’t accept me, what a bigot! 

But he’s just doing his best, trying to make sure I grow up to be a good person…

What, so giving me any kind of freedom – showing me any kindness would destroy my morals?!

He doesn’t know any better…

As my thoughts warred, my mouth flopped open and closed, acting out the beginnings of all of the words I wanted to say, all of the pent up feelings I had about my father. In the end, there was only one thing I had to communicate.

“Dad, I love you.”

A moment of silence passed. 

Dad stared down on me, expression blank, unfeeling. When he spoke, his voice was much the same. “Listen to me, drop out and come back home. You can become a priest under me, there’s still a chance to save your soul…” He closed his eyes and looked down. “Otherwise… I never want to see you again.”

I hesitated a moment, staring into his worn, resigned face.

Without a sound, I magicked myself away before his eyes could open.

Unfortunately, magic couldn’t stop my tears from finally spilling.