Beers and Beards: A Cozy Dwarf Tale

Book 2: Chapter 56: Interlude: Escaping Minnova

Louis Blackbeard sighed as the carriage hit another bump in the road. His clan paid millions of gold in taxes every year. They did their part. The least the Kingdom could do was ensure smooth roads free from monsters and bandit attacks. One of his fellow nobles had actually been robbed en route to Minnova and left naked on the side of the road. Louis had hired extra guards from the adventurers outside Greentree to be sure of his safety.

His eyes wandered out to the passing landscape. While he much preferred the bustling caves and canyons of Kinshasa, the open landscape of Minnova had its own charm.

And speaking of charm… Louis closed his eyes and imagined that moment in the Arena. The taste of that Liquid Gold. The feel of it on his tongue and then slipping smoothly down his throat. The refreshing splash of alcohol. Not too thick, not too thin. All the best parts of True Brew and Light Brew in a single drink that would please even the Gods.

It had been perfect. Damn that Drum for ruining the rest of it.

His mind wandered on to the brewers of that nectar. The Thirsty Goat was ostensibly owned by the Goldstones. However, his hired gnomish [Detective] had determined that the real force behind the Thirsty Goat’s new brews was Peter Roughtuff. The odd dwarf had arrived in Minnova a short while ago, and immediately picked up an indenture. After barely any time in the mines, he emerged a completely different person. He had swept through the food and drink industry like a monster stampede, and was currently partnered with two other companies in addition to the Goldstones: Whistlemop Fineries and Pot Corporation.

Speaking of Pot Corporation… he turned a baleful eye on the sniveling rat on the seat across from them. Their midnight escape had been a near thing, with flashing knives and flitting shadows. “By all the Gods. Do away with your pathetic sniveling you moustached mewling child.”

Ambermine of the West Crackian Mines turned a baleful eye in his direction. “I just lost everything you - ” The black garbed gnome steeled himself and continued, “If you’d sent your [Accountant] earlier, I wouldn’t be in this mess!”

“Bah, I told you that our move would occur after the tournament! There were too many eyes upon me!”

“I thought he was yours!! Why would there be an official auditor so soon after our last audit!!!”

“How should I know?” Louis snapped. “And why would you let some random gnome look at your books!?”

“I was desperate! And he was so helpful!!” Ambermine’s voice turned whiny. Louis hated whiny. “If you just get me some more gold, I can -”

Louis chopped the air with his hand. “You can nothing! You will not be able to step foot in Minnova again for at least a decade! You are most fortunate I intervened. If Lord Bronzeson had not mentioned the arrest order in passing, you would be heading to Kinshasa in a prison cart instead of my carriage!”

“But - !”

“Enough! I tire of this nonsense, and you have lost your utility with the collapse of your company. At least you have enough personal skill to still be of use to us.”

Louis turned away, his mind returning to yesterday’s incredible ‘launch’ party. Now that had been worthy of even Kinshasa. He had taken the opportunity to ask Brewer Roughtuff to become his personal brewer, but the lout had turned him down. Well, these artisan types were always so picky and focused. It was what made them effective at their work, so he was willing to be gracious and not have the peasant punished for his impudence.

At least Brewer Roughtuff had accepted his business card with the tracking magic. He would need to have their spies keep an eye on the enterprising youngling. He was certain his fellows would be interested in someone who pushed boundaries, but still knew what was important. Liquid Gold showed how much keeping everything the same for its own sake could hinder dwarvenkind. Louis was even willing to forgive the awful ass blasting whatever. However, when the old guard were swept away and he was in charge, he would see that kind of sacrilege outlawed. And the Gods would be so pleased with his hard work that he would get a Title.

Louis smiled. He’d also considered pushing his weight around to get his hands on Raspberrysyrup. What a delectable morsel. It was unfortunate that he was still laying low after that incident with the duke’s granddaughter, or he would have done it. It was surprising, as he usually wasn’t taken with gnomesses, with their pale hairless faces and thin arms. He still didn’t understand how Lord Harmsson could stand those elven wenches he kept.

There was a thump and rattle outside and the carriage came to a halt. Louis frowned and banged on the wall.

“You, driver! Why have we stopped moving?”

Silence met his demand, and he felt a pang of trepidation. He strained his ears to hear outside. It was garbled, but a youth spent listening in on gossip through his father’s study door had left him with an excellent Perception.

“What’s happening?” Ambermine asked.

“Shut up, fool. We are being robbed, or worse. You are apparently some great [Assassin], so get ready to protect me with your life.” Blackbeard frowned as he put his ear to the padded door of the carriage. He.. did not like the direction the conversation outside was going. His hired adventurers seemed to be in cahoots with whomever had waylaid them.

With a trembling hand, Louis reached into his pocket and pulled out a long-distance commstone. They were expensive, but useful in times like this. He activated the rune on the bottom, and the stone flared to life.

A moment later, a voice emerged. It was deep and strong, cultured and well-mannered, a voice honed by years of public speaking and used to ruling others. “Lord Blackbeard! How are you enjoying your time in quaint Minnova? Were the beers anything to match Kinshasa?”

Louis could hear the sound of footsteps approaching his carriage, and launched right into things. “My carriage is under attack by bandits about two hours west of Minnova. Can you send help?”

There was a pause, then, “I will do what I can. Your guards?”

“Suborned.”

“Yearns Yams. I will have our [Communicator] contact Minnova, but help will not arrive for a while, Louis.”

Louis steeled himself. “I know. If I do not return, I want you to tell everyone that I completed my tasks. Lord Bronzeson is on board, as well as his brother. The Grand Lord ignored my subtle hints and I did not wish to push further. The Mines were worthless, but I was able to convince two other gnomish companies to come on board. They will support us at the march, and spread the word amongst their kind.”

There was a moment of silence on the other end, and then the voice came again, “Thank you for your hard work, Lord Blackbeard. My friend, your brothers will remember that you were stout of heart and did your duty. Long live the revolution.”

Louis’s heart clenched at those words. “Thank you Lord Harmsson. Long live the revolution.”

At that moment, the door to the carriage banged open, revealing two dwarves. Ambermine appeared out of nowhere beside the doorway and struck at the bandit. The hairy, scarred, scruffy dwarf raised his arms to guard his face. The dagger struck true, burying itself into his upraised hand. Ambermine pushed the attack, twisting the dagger and spinning around to give a swift kick to the dwarf’s neck. He had a clear advantage in Agility, and Louis had sudden hope that -

The second bandit spoke. “Ach, that’s enough o’ that! [OVERPOWERIN’ SHOUT]!”

The evolved [Project Voice] reverberated within the small carriage, knocking Ambermine back. Louis nearly blacked out, his ears ringing. He felt a trickle of blood from his left ear and groaned.

The black bearded dwarf entered the carriage. He pulled the dagger from his wrist and tossed it outside. His torn sleeve revealed an unharmed metallic silver arm. Ambermine stumbled to his feet and used a [Charge] Ability, but was caught up by an [Advanced Riposte]. The silver arm splashed as it hit Ambermine, and wrapped around his throat. Ambermine was lifted, struggling and wheezing into the air by his neck.

With a glance at the silver arm, Louis felt a pang of fear. He knew who this was…

Drum laughed. “Ha! Copperpot’s lackey was right! The beardless bastard is in here! And if it isn’t Lord Blackbeard too, what a surprise! Is it me Blessin’ day? Thankee Barck fer tha treat!”

Louis felt his fear turn into anger and his face flushed. “Drum! You will pay for your disrespect to a noble! The entire Highwatch is out searching for you!”

Drum rolled his eyes. “Ach, half tha Highwatch are me brothers in arms. I’ve kept ‘em drunk an’ happy fer centuries. They ain’t gonna turn me in fer the likes of you!”

The second dwarf stepped forward. He was a dwarf’s dwarf. Burly, ruddy nosed, and with a large curly red beard. An easterner by his accent. He wore the traditional garb of a warpiper, and carried a large spiked mace. He thumped it against his palm threateningly.

“Why… why are you doing this!?” Blackbeard stammered, cringing back. If it’s gold you want, I can get you plenty. I can ask Minnova to call off the Highwatch!”

“Shaddup. We weren’t here for you, ya pompous windbag,” redbeard said. “I’m here ta gut a gnome. Yer just a happy accident. Should've known a Blackbeard would be involved in all this.”

As the only gnome present, Ambermine’s eyes grew wide.

“Is this him, Sam?” Drum asked, pointing at the struggling Ambermine with his free hand.

“Matches tha’ description.” Sam growled.

“Please! Whatever it is, I didn’t do it!” Ambermine began to struggle. “I’m an innocent gnome!”

“Oh? Does the name Peter Roughtuff ring any bells?”

Ambermine began to struggle harder. Louis’s jaw dropped, what did Brewer Roughtuff have to do with this??

Drum, on the other hand, began to chuckle. “Roughtuff! Cannae say I was surprised!!”

“Samson is a perfectly good name fer tha son’ o’ Sam! I was proud ta give it to ‘im!” Sam snapped.

“Didn’t stop ya from leaving him behind, did it? I’m surprised he didn’t throw it away sooner!”

Sam shot back, nettled. “I came fer him when Grim called, didn’t I?”

“Hah! Some support! Does he remember you yet? Or is he just better off fergettin’?”

“Bah! I’m not even sure… well, never you mind about ‘Pete’.”

“Keepin’ secrets from yer mates are ya!?”

“Ehhh? Ya got somethin’ to say about that, DRUMSON DRUM?”

“Oy! You keep that Godsawful name outta yer mouth!”

Louis began to edge for the carriage door as the two maniacs bickered. If he was lucky they would succumb to the Red Rage and he would have time to -

A hand yanked him back into the carriage and he spilled onto the floor. His head hit the wood paneling and he suffered a fresh spike of pain.

“We haven’t forgotten you, Blackbeard.” Drum’s voice was silky smooth and oozed venom. “I’ve been lookin’ forward to havin’ one o’ you lot in my hands fer a long time; I have unfinished business with the nobles of Kinshasa. We just need ta let Sam here have a chat with Ambermine. Ya see, your little [Assassin] tried ta kill his son, and we can’t let that pass, now can we?”

Louis couldn’t even spare a glance for the damned idiot gnome. This was a BLOOD FEUD; he should have let the fool rot in prison. He closed his eyes and waited for the screaming to begin.

Which was when a melodious voice came from the seat beside him, where a commstone lay forgotten.

“Good evening gentle-dwarves. My name is Thad Harmsson. I think, perhaps, you and I should talk.”