Beers and Beards: A Cozy Dwarf Tale

Book 2: Chapter 55: Release Day Remix

You slowly become numb to ‘Big Days’. They still have meaning and impact, they just lack the same *oomph* they did before. On Earth most of my ‘Big Days’ were Sammy’s hockey games and the occasional local meat & brew-festivals. We just weren’t big into the competition scene, preferring to keep things simple and lucrative. Our VV Vineyard made up for in heart what it lacked in blue ribbons.

Things were, of course, completely different here. I had contests to win, and people to convince, and a beer empire to topple. It was go big or go home.

So Big Days were back in, and today was going to be the Biggest TM before we headed to Kinshasa.

It started easily enough, with covert maneuvering of wagons to predetermined locations. They were placed to create an impromptu concert venue right in the middle of the Grand Market. Copperpot had arranged things with the local businessfolk, and they’d happily obliged. Only a single purveyor of cabbages had made a fuss, which abruptly ended when Annie called the guard on his sub-standard produce. Sorry, not sorry Gimbletack.

A large wagon set up in the center of the cleared space was for Berry’s big performance. It was festooned in pink and had several enchantments on it for protection and light. A large stage extended out from its side, just tall enough to keep the fans off.

We had a lot of space, and only half of it was dedicated to Berry’s concert. The other half was dedicated to an open-seating beer garden. Attendees would be met with a steady supply of Thirsty Goat True Brew, New Brew, and Ass-Blaster Ale served by loaned apprentices from the Brewer’s Guild Main Store. Joejam had also set up a coffee machine and was serving coffee and tea and snacks.

A pair of enormous gilded mystery barrels the size of vans sat in the garden, one with a gold ribbon, and the other a black. They were of course filled with Liquid Gold and Barista Brew. We were going to advertise them as two sides of a coin; Gold and Black, Light and Dark, Sun and Moon. It was nice thematically, but also made a lot of sense. Liquid Gold was the culmination of what it meant to be a dwarf, and Barista Brew was the culmination of what it meant to be a gnome living in a dwarf world.

As the day crept on, the crowd flowed in. By noon we had to close the gates. There must have been over ten thousand people in attendance.

At least half of the attendees had pink armour or pink hair, and the other half looked shell-shocked. Understandable under the circumstances. I spotted a contingent of greybeards headed by Master Cimon that looked ready to start swinging axes. Thankfully Master Fault talked them down before I had to have Balin go fight a bunch of old people.

By and large, the gnomes were all curious about a new brew to rival coffee. I’d hired my [Bards] to play up the big release in coffee shops for the past few weeks, and Copperpot had been spreading the word at their tea shops.

On the dwarf side of things, Aqua and the rest of the crew had spread the word through the crowd while Annie and I were running laps in the Arena. And of course there was my victory speech in the Arena.

As the crowd continued to grow, my job was to be the face of management. It honestly felt more like the mace of management, as I was forced to swing Slate Goldstone’s hammer more than a few times before people got the picture. I’d taken to carrying it around everywhere, and was thankful I had it today. I directed people, soothed angry merchants, cajoled angry traditionalists, fought off rabid fans, and was generally everywhere at once doing everything.

I felt like I was dying. Some people did this all the time for fun!? And they called ME crazy!

Speaking of crazy, the crowd had begun to chant Berry’s name. Berry’s Manager, Amethyst, walked over and gave me a last minute rundown of everything before sauntering backstage. I envied her cool calm. I was still hoping this wouldn’t turn into a riot, especially after getting several thousand high-energy dwarves blitzed on Barista Brew…

There was probably going to be a riot. Maybe I could blame Copperpot?

Then, with an explosion of smoke and colour the concert began.

Berry appeared on stage in something that looked very similar to a standard gnomish Barista’s garb - a black smock with a white apron. Except her version was white and pink with garish golden stripes. She strutted out with bravado, her smile blinding.

“Are you all ready to make some noise!” She screamed with the use of [Project Voice].

“AYYYE!” The crowd roared back.

“Then I’d like to welcome you to the first Thirsty Goat Brewery and Pot Public Beer Bash!”

There was another cheer.

And then Berry launched into her first song, which was her hit single Miner Boy; a name that never would have made it past the planning stage on Earth. Thankfully the dwarven translation didn’t have the same minor/miner hiccup.

The crowd moved to the music, and I spotted a few gnomes crowd surfing. Dwarves had incredible mosh pits, especially since blunt weapons were often involved. Berry had originally banned weaponry, but I’d recommended she sell branded padded clubs instead. I spotted Master Stonetusk right in the thick of things, walloping a pair of gnomes with his bright pink hammer. Wink wink nudge nudge.

Ahhh. Youth.

Berry was now big enough that she had backup dancers, in this case a pair of dwarves in full mining gear with shining gold and stark black pickaxes. I smiled at the attention to detail; Berry really knew how to keep to a theme!

Then with a closing line decrying the ‘Mine you used to know’, the stage was surrounded in pitch darkness. There were confused murmurs, and excited shouts, and then a single part of the stage lit back up.

Berry stood behind a stylized coffee bar. An espresso machine whirred and bubbled and smoked, while she pretended to serve brightly dressed customers. A bass guitar strummed in the background to a familiar beat. I couldn’t quite put my finger on the tune… Berry had said it would be a ‘surprise’.

Then she launched into the lyrics, and I got two surprises at once.

The first was that the song was a cover of Spice Girl’s Wannabe titled Brewery. Except she’d replaced the word ‘lover’ with ‘brewer’ and inserted Barista Brew into several places. There was a stir in the crowd and angry yelling from Cimon’s group before Stonetusk began hitting them with his hammer. While gnomish [Baristas] technically brewed, just like [Alchemists], [Brewer] was still very much a protected term.

I gave a vicious smile. We were going to pull those barriers down in the most traditional form possible, with music!

My second surprise came when the bar spun away and the entire stage lit up, revealing Berry and her backup dancers. This time it was two dwarfesses and two gnomesses in similar barista outfits, and one of them was AQUA! I knew she’d been hanging out and making music with Berry, but this was completely unexpected! She beamed at the crowd, her face slightly pink from excitement and exertion. Her blue beard had been done up in ringlets, and they swayed as she danced.

As I stood there agape, Aqua danced forward and belted out some of Posh Spice’s lines, followed by the other three. They were doing a girl band!?

The crowd approved, and the volume increased another tick. All I could do was shake my head. What was next?? Rap? KPop?? Where would it end!?

The song flowed very well, with each of the singers/dancers doing a separate set of lines. Berry had to have an Ability to help her remember all these songs, or a way higher Intelligence than me. Possibly both. As it reached the halfway point the dancers all stripped off their smocks, revealing journeyman [Brewer] grey robes beneath them.

It was terrible, it was awful, it was amazing. And then it was over. The stage went dark again, and when the light flickered back on, Berry was sitting at something that looked similar to a piano. It was like how dwarven bagpipes resembled bagpipes, but with fire and spikes. The instrument resembled a piano, but made of solid gold. It also had way too many keys and knobs, like an organ.

Exactly like an organ I realized as sound burst from it. There weren’t any pipes, so it had to be using enchantments to get that quality of sound and volume. Berry looked rapt as she began to sing.

I didn’t recognize the song this time. She called it Golden Hour, and it was a beautiful piano piece.

The dancers this time were a large group of gnomes and dwarves wearing sparkling golden outfits. The song was quite literally a love song about Gold and Liquid Gold. It was emotional and heartfelt and beautiful. Cimon and his crew were bawling by the end of it. It looked like Berry had earned herself some new fans!

“Did you all enjoy that?” She asked as she stood up. By the sound, the audience did indeed approve. “Well, then, you’ll be happy to know that the drinks I just sang about will be available TODAY for the first time EVER!! WHO WANTS TO DRINK BARISTA BREW AND LIQUID GOLD WITH ME!!”

The Grand Market shook, but all I could hear was the sweet sweet sound of gold coins clinking together. It was change in every sense of the word! Hah!

Then Berry looked directly across at the beer garden and met my eyes. She gave a nasty smile and said sweetly, “I’ll pass things over to the Thirsty Goat and their new partners, Pot Public Corporation! Please head to the beer garden and try the all new Barista Brew, and the Liquid Gold that won the recent Decamillennial Brewing Contest!

The ground vibrated again, this time at the same tempo as my beating heart. The edges of the crowd bent, then broke as an avalanche descended on the beer garden.

We - we may have overdone it. Did we have enough seats!?

—

We didn’t have enough seats.

There was a kerfuffle as we tried to handle the crowd, but Balin handled it with Copperpot’s security and his team, Brightstar. It only got worse when we cracked the enormous barrels of Barista Brew and Liquid Gold.

Tragically, the Liquid Gold had the expected effect on a small percentage of Dwarves, and they started fighting to get more. Brightstar handled it.

Dwarves were mostly drinking Liquid Gold and gnomes mostly kept to Barista Brew, but a few dwarves did try the wheat-free Barista Brew and vice versa. I could tell, because they were literally bouncing off the walls. I watched a [Berzerker] run screaming through the crowd and launch himself onto the roof of a wagon before streaking naked over the roofs of the city. Another dwarven mage under the influence of [Energized] had puzzled out the secret of Berry’s song magic, and was gleefully vomiting half-formed magic with off tune acapella.

Everywhere I looked gnomes and dwarves were sharing in song, beer, and a jolly good time. Cimon and his crew were screaming like fangirls over the Liquid Gold, and Stonetusk had joined them with a pair of Berry’s dancers.

As I sighed with vicarious pleasure, I was suddenly flooded with quests. I rapidfire accepted them as they completed. Deja vu!

*Bing!*

New Quest: Gnomish Influencer Part 1/10!

The gnomes need your help. Influence 2,500 gnomes with your otherworldly alcohol knowledge.

Gnomes influenced: 2500/2500

Rewards: [Check Quality]

Do you accept?

Yes / No

*Bing!*

Quest Complete: Gnomish Influencer Part 1/10!

Keep up the great work!

Gained [Check Quality]!

*Bing!*

New Quest: Gnomish Influencer Part 2/10!

The gnomes need your help. Influence 5000 gnomes with your otherworldly alcohol knowledge.

Gnomes influenced: 5000/5000

Rewards: +0.2 Intelligence, +0.2 Dexterity

Do you accept?

Yes / No

*Bing!*

Quest Complete: Gnomish Influencer Part 2/10!

Keep up the great work!

Gained 0.2 Intelligence, new Intelligence is 15.2!

Gained 0.2 Dexterity, new Dexterity is 13.2!

*Bing!*

New Quest: Gnomish Influencer Part 3/10!

The gnomes need your help. Influence 10,000 gnomes with your otherworldly alcohol knowledge.

Gnomes influenced: 10,000/10,000

Rewards: +0.2 Intelligence, +0.2 Dexterity

Do you accept?

Yes / No

*Bing!*

Quest Complete: Gnomish Influencer Part 3/10!

Keep up the great work!

Gained 0.4 Intelligence, new Intelligence is 15.4!

Gained 0.4 Dexterity, new Dexterity is 13.4!

*Bing!*

New Quest: Gnomish Influencer Part 4/10!

The gnomes need your help. Influence 25,000 gnomes with your otherworldly alcohol knowledge.

Gnomes influenced: 25,000/25,000

Rewards: +0.4 Intelligence, +0.4 Dexterity

Do you accept?

Yes / No

*Bing!*

Quest Complete: Gnomish Influencer Part 4/10!

Keep up the great work!

Gained 0.4 Intelligence, new Intelligence is 15.8!

Gained 0.4 Dexterity, new Dexterity is 13.8!

*Bing!*

New Quest: Gnomish Influencer Part 5/10!

The gnomes need your help. Influence 50,000 gnomes with your otherworldly alcohol knowledge.

Gnomes influenced: 32,126/50,000

Rewards: +0.6 Intelligence, +0.6 Dexterity

Do you accept?

Yes / No

I felt my stats swell, and reveled in the feeling of growing stronger. I must have been influencing a lot of gnomes beyond just Beatbox then. There was no way there were that many gnomes at this party.

Today was truly a wonderful day! And right on cue, a petulant voice called out from behind me, bringing me crashing right back to reality.

“You there. You are Brewer Peter Roughtuff are you not? You will speak with me.”

I turned around and gave my widest business-like smile.

“Ahh, Lord Blackbeard, what a pleasure.” NOT.