The Beautiful Monster

It was strange how sad she felt over someone she wasn't even close to. Maybe she was just sad by nature.

Someone in her family passed away. It was a sad thing. Maybe she was sad because she never got a chance to be close to her dad.

They never had a chance to get over their differences and try to bond with the time they had left.

She doubted that would ever happen, but now there was zero chance of that happening.

Now, all that was left of her father was bad memories. She didn't have any hope for what the future could've been for them.

She didn't have any warm moments to reflect on. There was just darkness and coldness, and that made her feel even more alone right now, despite her being surrounded by family on all sides.

She hadn't talked to Elias since she abruptly left campus a few days ago. Well, she texted him that she had gone back home so that he wasn't worried sick about her, but she hadn't responded to any of his texts or calls.

She just didn't have it in her to really talk to anyone right now. She felt like she needed to recover first, to see this go through.

Her eyes shifted around as she watched various family members pass by the pews to get to their seats or to visit with her dad before the service began.

She felt bad, but she wished that it would hurry up and get started. She needed to go through this.

She hoped that she would feel better afterwards, like she had gotten some closure. Maybe she never would, though.

"I don't know why you bothered to come."

Alyssa heard the familiar, cold voice of her mom. She turned her head to see her mom at the end of the pew in a flowy, black dress. Alyssa only had a black skirt and a black top that she had packed. It would have to do.

"What?" she asked.

Her mom shook her head. A few of her brown strands fell against her round shoulders.

"You didn't even care about him. About us. I don't know why you're here like you care," her mom replied with sharpness in her tone.

Alyssa knew that her mom was just upset and wanted to take her feelings out on someone. She decided that her mom could do that to her today because she didn't ever want to come back to this place after today.

She just needed to do this, and then this chapter of her life was over with. She couldn't take the pain, the constant disappointment. She would figure out somewhere else to live when school was out for the summer.

"I wanted to care about you. You just never cared about me," Alyssa said evenly. She didn't want to start drama today. It wasn't about her. It wasn't about her bad relationship with her parents.

It was just about her dad. She could respect that. She needed her mom to as well. However, she was also going to be honest. She wasn't going to walk on eggshells any longer.

Her mom scoffed at her.

"You brat. It's just all about you, isn't it? Your father would be ashamed," she spat before stomping away to her seat.

"He already was," Alyssa murmured quietly. She couldn't remember a point in her life when it seemed like her dad was proud of her. That didn't matter, though.

Now, he certainly never would be. He would never see her graduate. He would never see her become a doctor or achieve her dreams. He would never know. 

Alyssa settled back in the pew as the priest walked onto the stage to start the service. She listened to his words echo throughout the church.

They passed right through her ears mostly. She just stared at her dad's casket and wondered what his last moments were like.

She wasn't going to ask her mom for any details. She didn't need them for closure. They would just torture her.

"Ann would like to say a few words," the priest said before stepping aside to let her grandmother talk into the microphone.

"Oh, our George. He was such a wonderful man. A wonderful husband. A wonderful father," Alyssa's grandmother sighed.

Alyssa didn't even realize that she was tearing up until she felt a single tear streak down her cheek. She wasn't crying because she was mourning.

She was crying because of how much of a lie that was. Everyone here was lying to themselves about what kind of person her dad was.

They knew he was a bad husband and father, but they had to find something nice to say. It was sad.

She lowered her head as she listened to the rest of her grandmother's speech. Being here was painful. She wished that Elias was with her, holding her in his arms.

She shouldn't have expected herself to be fine going through this alone. No one could go through this alone without breaking apart.

"Let us pray," the priest said.

At least her head was already down. She didn't think about religion much. Her parents never really went to church. It was strange to be here at the end of her dad's life.

She wondered if he even wanted to be sent off like this. She didn't even know why she was thinking of these things.

She believed she was just trying to ignore the cold, empty feeling that she felt inside of her. She didn't know when it was going to go away.

She stayed near the back for the burial too. She almost didn't go, but she knew that she needed to stay for the whole thing.

She needed to watch him be lowered into the ground. This was the end of her relationship with her dad.

She hadn't experienced many endings in her life. She wasn't sure how to properly handle them.

How did she walk away from this? She wondered if there was anything that she needed to say to anyone before she stepped away and never came back.

Would they even wonder about her? She felt like she was in the middle of some sort of mental tug of war. She was ripping herself in half, but she knew where to go to get mended.

Without a word, she walked away from the crowd as they quietly mourned together. She didn't slow her steps.

She didn't turn and look. She just walked to her car, got inside, and drove away. That was the best thing that she could do for herself.