Only Villains Do That

2.39 In Which the Dark Lord Gets Some Help

It ended up being for the best that I had that aside in the pantry. Part of the reason for coming back to base right now was to make my reassuring presence known to the troops, especially the newbies; if Id sat down in the dining hall in the mood Id been in after learning about Lady Grays ongoing bullshit I probably wouldve just scared people. At least now I was more relaxed.

Doubtless the newer hands still thought it odd that I sat down with my stew and wyddh at the childrens table, but the sooner they got used to my peculiar ways, the better. This aint your daddys Dark Lord.

So there I was at one corner seat, with Junko chomping from her bowl on the floor beside me, Benit settled in on my other side, and Gilder and Aenit all but physically scuffling over who was going to sit across from me, when they were upstaged by none other than Nazralind.

You snooze, you lose, kids, she said, completely unrepentant as she slid onto the bench with her tray and grinned at Gilders protest. Aenit, looking grudgingly impressed, seized the opportunity to plonk down next to the elf, leaving him to shuffle down the row another space in defeat. Naz herself, meanwhile, grabbed the pair of chopsticks shed brought, one held upright in each fist, and beamed expectantly at me. All right! Show me how to use these.

Where the hell did you get those? I demanded.

Same place you did. Kassers got lots of scrap akorshil lying around from all the stuff he has to make; polishing up a pair of little sticks hardly takes any time at all, apparently. Its funny, I was always told akorshil wasnt suitable for tableware because of how it splinters, but apparently it all depends on the type and how you treat it.

Rookie mistake, Benit murmured. Never ask Kasser about akorshil. Youll be trapped for hours.

It wasnt hours, Nazralind said, then winced. Technically. Not quite, I dont think.

Easy mistake, though, Gilder added. That guy wont talk all unless its about shilworking. I never knew he could talk until I broke that lamp stand.

I placed a bite of chewy crawn meat in my mouth with my own chopsticks and gave him the eye. That was you?

Gilder was suddenly very busy with his stew. Joke was on him, this was the first Id heard about any lamp stand.

Anyway, Naz prompted, gently thumping her chopstick-filled fists on the table.

First of all, dont ever do that, I winced. Why the sudden interest, anyway?

You probably havent had a reason to ask him, but Kassers had so many requests for these he actually just keeps them lying around now. It was actually annoying, she added, frowning. Wouldve been one thing if I got to listen about akorshil polishing while he was actually demonstrating it, but he just handed them to me and went off on this rant

What? I looked around the mess hall. Whos been

Benit, Gilder, and Aenit all pulled chopsticks out of their sleeves.

Weve tried, Gilder admitted. I figured it cant be any hardern picking pockets. But damn, Lord Seiji, its hard to even get a proper look at what youre doing with your fingers

I stabbed myself right up the nose, Benit mumbled.

I couldnt imagine how anyone could possibly fuck up chopsticks that badly, but it was Benit so of course I didnt say that out loud. With Gilder Idve gone for the throat, but she responded better to encouragement.

Its not just the kids, people want to imitate you, Nazralind said, shrugging. Thats what its like to be in charge. Im sure Miss Minifrit has mentioned this, but its probably a good thing to let folks pick up little customs that help differentiate them from Fflyr society. Soooo?

They all stared at me, bright-eyed and waiting. I could see others at nearby tables watching with varying degrees of surreptitiousness.

And I found myself instinctively wanting to shut this down, which was pretty silly. Hadnt I been leaning into Minifrits idea previously? And hell, even before that Id started deliberately introducing little mannerisms from home. Sure, the bath was just because Id really wanted to take one, but

I recognized where the reluctance came from, of course, and it wasnt fair to anyone involved. All of that had been before my conversation with Head Start, and its revelation about the goddesses. Projecting that stuff onto my followers was irrational; none of them were weebs, and certainly not responsible for any of what the goddesses had done. They were the victims here, as much as I was. More, even.

Worse than irrational, it was hypocritical. Who the hell was I to suddenly be protective of the purity of Japanese culture? Id spent my entire life stubbornly refusing to fit in and get along like a normal person. I was so bad at being Japanese Id been saving up for years to move out of the country and not one person had tried to talk me out of it, even in my own family. That was what decided me; Im a lot of things, and not all of them positive, but I do try not to be any more hypocritical than I can help. Theres nothing more contemptible than a hypocrite.

What could it hurt?

With a sigh, I held up my right hand. Okay, start by bracing one stick this way, across the base of your thumb and your third finger

Turned out using chopsticks was easier than explaining how; the motions were so second nature I had a little trouble consciously thinking about it. But I got them all holding them the right way, at least. More or less.

Bloody hell, Nazralind growled, losing a whole bite of meat from her stew as one stick skittered out of her grip. She hadnt yet managed to lift one all the way to her mouth.

Excuse me, young lady, you need to watch your mouth at the dinner table, Gilder said severely. There are children here, for fucks sake.

Fuck off, Gilder, you know more swears than I do.

In at least four languages, he agreed, grinning. Perk of growing up in a trade city near the border! Aw, bugger. At least he didnt lose his chopsticks along with the chunk of potato that tumbled sadly onto the table.

I think we picked the worst possible meal to test this, Nazralind grumbled. Shoulda tried on something solid

I shrugged, placidly eating another bite. Its a thick stew, shouldnt be that bad. Back home we usually have a light soup with breakfast.

And you eat that with sticks? Aenit demanded. How?

You pick out the solid parts with chopsticks and sip the broth from the bowl, I said, demonstrating with the much thicker stew gravy and immediately regretting it. Blech, gravy is not for sipping. Truthfully, spoons are also common in Japan but I was having way too much fun now to tell them that.

In Dlemathlys, that would be absolutely execrable table manners, Nazralind commented.

Wow, I said, its almost as if different cultures have different customs. Thats a brilliant flash of insight, Naz, I wonder if anyones ever put that together before? You should write a book.

Youre such an arse, she said fondly. All right, here we go. I swear I am gonna get one piece of meat into my face tonight

Hah! Gilder leered insanely. Thats what she hmmfffgm!

Aenit shoved a chunk of wyddh into his mouth and Im pretty sure Benit kicked him under the table.

We have fun, dont we? I said cheerfully. Junko, sit back down. You just finished yours, I sat here and watched you. Little scam artist.

She whined piteously. And then so did Nazralind, though for different reasons.

I made it a habit to play my guitar a bit before bed; it was a little ritual I had missed while out on maneuvers in the forest and the city, but now that I was back in the fortress Well, it was strange how much like home North Watch had started to feel. Sitting on the end of my bed, strumming softly with Junko already half-asleep next to me, everything felt more comfortable than camping out with the bandits. I was going to have trouble sleeping regardless of anything I did, but this made it a little better.

Or would have, except that Biribo suddenly buzzed upward from where hed been hanging out on the nest Id built for him, a pile of cloth scraps and pillow stuffing on a shelf.

Oh, this should be good, he muttered. Hey, boss, no worries. I can take the dog for a walk.

Junko raised her head and I blinked. Excuse me?

There came a knock at the door.

I looked over at Biribo, who just hovered aimlessly. He didnt seem alarmed, and neither was Junko, so

With a sigh, I stood up, setting my guitar on the chair that was serving as its stand because I figured Kasser was too busy with important things to make me a frivolity like that. What time was it? Well after dark, at least. Everybody not on night watch was either in bed or heading therethis had better be important.

I opened the door to behold Minifrit standing in the darkened hallway outside. I could just make out her face and not her expression thanks to the shadows; my body blocked the light coming from the bottled light slime I had in one corner of the room. Her eyes glinted subtly in the dimness as they flicked over my face.

Well? I said irritably.

And suddenly she had flowed across the space between us. I caught her by reflex and froze in surprise as warm lips pressed against my own. A soft sound of appreciation rose from deep in her throat, her chest was pressed against meby God, she was soft, Id never held a woman quite so

Panic jolted through me like a physical force. No hallucinations this time, at least, just the overwhelming fear, the certainty that someone was dying while I wasnt there, I had to move, had to find them, I was letting everyone down and people would die because I wasnt

I jerked my head up, gasping for air, and half-stumbled backward a step before catching myself. Minifrit moved right along with me, but I managed to put a few centimeters between us. And then a few more, because she was really abundant in the front; I had to push her away a surprising distance before I didnt have her bosom brushing my chest.

Woman, you taste like a chimney, I said hoarsely. How many times have I told you about that smoking?

Minifrit tilted her head, and raised an eyebrow. Ow.

I only belatedly realized I had a death grip on her upper arms, my fingers sinking into her biceps hard enough to bruise. With another gasp I released her, half-stumbling backward again.

Once more she followed, this time stopping just inside the doorway as I continued to retreatbut deftly kicked the door closed with her heel, shutting us in my bedroom.

And thats how easy it was, Minifrit said sharply, pointing one finger at my face and cutting off the angry tirade I was already swelling up to deliver. Lord Seiji, people are noticing. Take it from a professional, women have been using sex to distract and disarm men since time immemorial. Theres an art to ita science, even. And even so, it is often unreliable in effect if the man in question is prepared, or not interested. You, though, are a tragically easy target. All it takes is one good display and you are shut down for several entire seconds. Do you really imagine you have no enemies who will take advantage of this? If you hadnt already recruited most of Cat Alley, someone would have flashed some cleavage and then put a knife through your eye already. Once the highborn realize youre coming for them, they will deploy those well-trained middle ring courtesans. And with the right trick, they will end you. When, Lord Seiji, not if.

I drew in a breath, hating the way it shuddered.

Yeahwell Its not like you can fix it, so

Tell me you havent already forgotten, she said, exasperated. I said I could help with this. I also warned you how important it was at the time. In fact, I seem to recall demonstrating my point with a lessaggressive example. Just how brazenly do I need to emphasize this, Lord Seiji? Do you think Ill stop short of flashing you in the dining hall and then licking your face while you have a seizure? I promise you, boy, your imagination is not sufficient to conjure anything that would shock or embarrass me. This is not a pissing contest you will win.

Wow, Biribo muttered. That wasvivid. Look, boss, you really should listen to her, okay? You got a legit problem here, and you also got an actual professional who can help with it. Not letting her work is just sheer straight up bonkers.

Well, what can you possibly do? I burst out. Its not like there are any psychiatrists here!

Yes, yes, I know, were all mud-splattered primitives next to the wonders of glorious Japan, Minifrit said, disdainfully flicking her fingers off to the side. I cant say I appreciate that attitude, but if even a fraction of your anecdotes are true, Im not willing to argue with it. I have no idea what your old life was like or what expectations you might have. What I know is this world, my life, and what I am capable of. Lord Seiji, I would not have offered you my help if I did not fully believe I could help! Have I impressed you as a woman willing to waste her time?

I backed up from her, not tearing my gaze away from her relentless eyes until my knees bumped into the foot of the bed. Then, an unbidden sigh dragging itself from me, I sat down, finally turning my head to stare at the guitar.

I dont I mean How? Exactly what are you suggesting? Specifically. Tell me that.

Minifrit glided forward, not coming back within arms reach of me but regaining some proximity. Not enough to spook me, I noted with muted annoyance. I was being handled. Not exactly flattering, but if nothing else it was a hint that maybe she did know what she was talking about.

I have dealt with things very like this, countless times. I will tell you up front that there are no certainties. It is possible that my best efforts will accomplish nothingeven distantly possible I might make it worse, though I consider that risk too small to be worth caring about. The brain is unfathomably complicated, Lord Seiji, and fixing it is never a certainty. Even so, the symptoms you are showing are part of a consistent pattern I have seen and helped girls work through many times. There are methods that very often can help. It just takes time, and patience, and a willingness to do the work.

Girls? I said sardonically.

She smirked. The great secret is that the minds of men and women are not so fundamentally different as most of us would like to think. I have mostly worked with girls becauseI have mostly worked with girls. Come, you know what my profession was. The most common cause of their trauma was having been brutalized by men. Well, I couldnt justify providing room and board to a girl who would panic or have flashbacks when a man touched her, so I had to learn how to deal with it. The root problem of trauma is your brain mistakenly learning that something quite banal is incredibly dangerous, and throwing up extreme but false signals to warn you away whenever a reminder of the trauma occurs. With my girls, I used my bouncers. Theyre all good ladsI do not employ less than the best. Stable and safe, without a mean bone in their bodies. Bit by bit, Id have them get the girls used to being around a man again.

Thatsyoure talking abouthang on, theres an actual term for this. I thought there was, anyway. Id read it somewhere, probably online. exposure therapy?

Minifrit shrugged, causing me to avert my eyes. Her robe wasnoticeably looser than usual.

As good a term as any. It does seem to describe the process well enough.

I barked a short, harsh laugh. Sowhat? Youre planning to bang me straight? One good screw and Im cured?

She did not reciprocate the bitter humor. Minifrit moved slowly forward, and sank down on the foot of the bednext to me, but not too close, eyes serious.

It will not be that simple, or that fast, or that easy. To be frank, Lord Seiji, the way you tend to seize up at any reminder makes me suspect it will take a good bit of time and several sessions at least before youre even able to fuck me. And that, when we get there, will be a landmark achievementprobably the most significant one in your progress toward rehabilitation. But even so, its not likely to be enough. These things can linger for years. You should expect that there will be ongoing pangs for a long time, regardless of my best efforts. What we should aim for is to soothe the effects of trauma, not banish them. Its about re-training your brain not to associate sex with terror and pain. Success will berelative. A process that may never entirely end. On the other hand, a complete cure isnt impossible. We simply wont know until we have put in the work.

This was just surreal. I couldnt believe I was even having this conversation. The weirdest part was that her logic actually made a lot of sense.

You know, if you just wanted to be the Dark Lords mistress, you could just ask, I said, managing a strained approximation of a light tone. Its not like you arent qualified.

She raised a supercilious eyebrow. Surely you dont imagine that I would hesitate to do so, if thats all I wanted. Lord Seiji Im accustomed to men refusing help out of simple stubbornness and machismo. Odd as it seems to say, that really doesnt feel like your problem. You have always been admirably willing to listen to advice and accept helpits one of the reasons I find myself so willing to tolerate yourcharming personality quirks. Her voice dropped slightly in pitch and volume, becoming gentle without dipping into condescension. It was really impressive vocal control. What is this about? Is there something else youre afraid of?

I couldnt look at her. I stared at the guitar, at the shuttered window At my own hands, which I didnt remember clasping so hard, but there they were.

ItsI cant I shrugged, the motion awkward and jerky. Look, I know what a hothouse orchid you must think I am already, right? Look at Seiji, hes always mad about indoor plumbing and how hard the chores are. Seiji comes from a glittering palace in the future and cant handle medieval life. I was never I had to swallow hard against the growing tension in my throat. All I had to do was see it. All those women I healed They just got back up and went back to work. Where the fuck do I get off being traumatized? Fucking bullshit. I just dealt with it one night a week, did my incredible magic and fucked off back into the forest. They allyou all had to go right back to it. Itsstupid. I can only imagine how contemptuous you must be.

There was quiet for enough seconds that I eventually, out of sheer dreadful anticipation, had to raise my eyes and find her gaze again. Minifrit wasnt looking at me with any of the contempt I expected. Also not with mercy or compassion, which was for the better; I dont think I couldve stomached that. She just studied my face, her expression calm and interested.

I do see your point, she mused after considering for another long moment. The way you describe your country sounds downright utopian compared to anything in my frame of reference.

I assure you, Japan is not a utopia.

Well, obviously, its full of people.

Hah! And people are

Yes, yes, I dont think one of your misanthropic tangents is going to be useful right now. Anything full of people is going to be imperfect. But you definitely describe a manner of life which is easier, in almost every respect, than the one I know. And I can relate that to something in my experience, if imprecisely. We used to get curious young highborn in Cat Alley, from time to time. And of those visits, there would occasionally be one who saw somethingsome fraction of what you kept coming there specifically to see. Her smile was mischievous, bitter, and faintly malicious. The poor dears. They were so terrorized.

See, thats exactly what I worried about, I exclaimed. You looking at me like that!

I would never look at you like that, she replied, and in truth her smile did change. It was subtle, but there; just warm, maybe a little teasing, but without that cruel edge. I was constantly impressed by how Minifrit could manipulate the fine details of her face the way I handled a guitars strings. Lord Seiji, you were yanked out of your whole life, dumped into a world where everything is harder and dirtier and more dangerous than anything you knew. You came to our little corner of hell and immersed yourself in the worst it had to offer, the darkest parts we worked so hard to conceal from our clients. And you kept coming back.

Yeah, well, I cant say

You had ulterior motives, I know. That doesnt change the basic fact that you faced what you saw and never once fled from it. Seiji. She leaned closer, still smiling, and shook her head. I never once blamed you for being shocked or horrified by what youve seen. The idea is absurd to me. What stands out to me is that yousour, snide, spiteful little shit that you arehave shown more spine and more heart than any aristocrat in this blighted country.

Not that thats saying a lot

Minifrit chuckled ruefully. And so quick to deflect. Well, look at it this way: whether or not youre justified in being traumatized is beside the point. If you fell down the stairs and broke your collarbone because you were trying to balance on a ball at their top, the injury wouldnt be any less in need of healing because you got it by being stupid. You require treatment. But I will, as the person proposing to administer this treatment, insist on one point for you to remember.

She scooted a bit closer to me, her smile widening as her voice dropped another register, taking on a huskier undertone.

I am offering to help you mend an injury, because this organization of which I am a part depends on your leadership. But I am also offering to go to bed with you. BecauseI would like to.

My breath caught, and not because I was so very moved. I had to squeeze my eyes shut and fight back a tremor of remembered panic that didnt belong in this situation.

Minifrit, consummate professional that she was, gave me a moment to recover my poise before continuing in a more casual and therefore less dangerous tone. And also because I believe I can trust you not to do something wildly asinine like fall in love with me.

Ahheh. I shook my head. Well. Im definitely flattered, and interested. But, ah, no offense, Minifrit

Heres some excellent advice which you will ignore: if you find yourself about to say something that needs to be prefaced with that, close your mouth. Seriously, this may just be the prejudices of my own life experience talking, but Im firmly of the opinion that a powerful man suffers stresses and pressures which he can only properly relieve in a womans body. Or another mans, I suppose, if thats what he prefers, she added with another mischievous little smirk. Im the last person whod judge, for all that Im not accustomed to thinking in those terms. The point is, it neednt be anything more intimate than thatand between you and I, to be honest, Ill be more comfortable with the assurance up front that it will not be.

Now it was I who raised an eyebrow and smirked. No offense meant?

I wouldnt have said it if you were the type to take it personally, she retorted, grinning back. Truly, Dark Lord is a little rich for my blood. It will be interesting to serve as your outlet for a while, as you establish yourselfquite the notch on my own already well-traveled belt. But we both have different destinies, you especially. A figure like you Well, somewhere out there is a legendary romancesome Viryan witch or dark elven princess or who knows what, just blithely trotting around without even suspecting your signature is on the ribbon of her fate. And when that destined beauty finally deigns to turn up, I intend to hand you over to her in a much better condition than I found you.

She paused, leaned back a bit, and cast her eyes rapidly up and down my form with a critical expression.

Which is, simultaneously, not saying much and yet will be quite an undertaking. You, young man, are a wreck.

Okay, I take a little offense at that one.

Minifrit grinned pure mischief at me, then her eyes cut past me and she cleared her throat.

Ahem! Biribo, are you able to handle door latches or do you require help?

Yeah, yeah, I got it, he groused. Dunno why you big shaved apes are so convinced anybody wants to watch that anyway. Cmon, Junko, lets go for a walk. Trust me, girl, you dont wanna be in here.

He actually could handle the door latch, somewhat to my surprise; the only hurdle was that Junko required a firm order from me to follow the familiar out into the hall. I suspected neither of them would go far. Biribo seemed to be uncomfortable being separated me by too much distance or time, and Junkowell, she was a dog.

So, uh. I hated myself for the uncertainty that suddenly fell. For gods sake, it wasnt like I was some virgin. How, erm Ugh, you must think Im being

Shush. Minifrit placed one finger on my lips, smiling. This is specifically unlike any of your previous experiences, in both purpose and execution. And trust me, Seiji, Ive seen boys far more self-conscious than you, with much more reason, and not judged them for it either. We will go slowly. Ill try thingsgently, a bit at a time

She eased closer, till she was almost pressing against me. I could feel her warm breath on my cheek as she murmured.

and youll try things. Whatever you feel comfortable with. Dont worry about me; Im impossible to shock and I dont mind being handled roughly. Still, go slow. A bit at a time, as we see how far we can push before youre triggered. Then we will stop, and make sure youre calm again before we try once more. All right?

I nodded silently, not trusting my voice for a whole variety of reasons.

There is no hurry, she whispered. Her forehead came to rest gently on my temple; her body eased forward until my arm was nestled between her breasts. Her bare When had she opened her robe? No farther or faster than you can bear. There is no timetable and no rush. Well stop for tonight before too much longer; you need some proper rest and this neednt be solved in one day. But onebitat a time

I turned my head, caught her lips in my own as she tilted her face to accommodate. The taste of smoke, I decided, wasnt that terrible. Especially with that spicy-sweet smell about her.

She gently kissed my lips, slowly, repeating soft motions in no hurry. Gradually, I felt some of the expectant tension ease from my shoulders as an episode failed to occur. With a soft murmur of satisfaction, she pressed a little forward, offering her tongue, accepting mine.

So far so good.

I slipped an arm around her waist to hold her; hers wrapped around my neck. A bit further, and I was still okay. I leaned into her, moved my other hand. She made a soft noise of approval into my mouth as I lightly squeezed her breast, lifting its weight

It was as if all the suspended trauma that shouldve triggered for the last few minutes hit at once, in one of the worst flashbacks yet. I was drowning, surrounded by blood and the sickly stink of rot. Couldnt breathe, people were dying, women screamed on all sides

It only gradually receded, and Minifrit was holding me, her grip firm and comforting without a hint of the erotic questing from just moments ago, her quiet voice devoid of that huskiness. Just soothing, like she was talking to a high-strung animal.

Its okay, youre all right. Youre safe, its fine. That was a good start. Its okay. Just breathe, Seiji. A breath at a time. Inout Thats the way. Theres no hurry.

I realized I was gripping her hard enough to bruise again and winced.

Uhsorry. Heal.

Minifrit smiled through the flash of pink light. You can probably save that for the end of the night. Youre very unlikely to do any real harm in panicked flailingand I told you, Ive no objections to picking up a few little scrapes and bruises. Dont worry about me. Are you okay? Ready to try again?

I, uh

Dont force it. Were here to help you, not just playing around.

I nodded. Justlemme settle my breathing.

Of course. Take whatever time you need.

That was a really frustrating place to break, I said, trying for a little levity. Like, terrible timing. Do you know how long Ive been waiting to get my hands on those things?

She grinned. You and everyone else. Dont worry, well get there, and I assure you theyre worth it.

If you do say so yourself.

Its a professional guarantee.

I needed a bit more time to feel calm enough to try again. She didnt push. For the first time, though I was almost afraid to, I began to feel like this might eventually be okay.